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9/12/04 - Day 73 >> to the future >> dwell in the past >> latest
Nakomis: "I hope you see this, internet fuckers!
I hope it makes you fucking happy"
Ok, that one hit a little close to home
Nik talked to us again tonight, in the middle of
an hour-long-plus emotional breakdown, during which the other three hamsters sat silent
Some feedsters (and some hamsters) think it was phony.. as always, I'll call it as I saw it, and felt it
At the time she said that, I considered shutting down and not reporting this at all.. cuz it's true, we do wait for stuff like this to happen, and that's kinda sick
But it's all part of the story: we've come this far and we have to see it through to the end, even through the scary and uncomfortable parts
Nik did good tonight: she broke through that one-way glass between 'us' out here and 'them' in there, and she made many of us feel a little guilty for watching something that was private and none of our business.. she also became the first of them to acknowledge aloud, to all of them together, that they're all in the same game: all of them are whispering, conniving, lying, and backstabbing all the time.. not news, but they all keep pretending nothing's going on
Best of all, she called out in a big way the show producers and CBS for the biggest sleazy deal going: springing a surprise brother on her on national tv, in front of her game opponents, and in front of us - without even having the opportunity to ask her dad what the hell is this about?? I was real proud of her, both in how she's kept it in so well, and in how she finally let it out
Diane: Nik's gone crazy
Drew: And you haven't??
I don't know where I'm going and I don't know what's happening
(screaming) I don't know what's happening and I'm fucking going nuts!! I'm not being myself!!
The winner is gonna be a liar and a cheater and I hate that! Just like outside, where the liars and cheaters and stealers get everything
I'm tired of pissing people off!
I'm sorry but I'm just a normal person! I'm only in this game cuz I have a brother I never knew I had
I made him that fucking promise
(to Drew): I lied to you when I said I wanted Cowboy out.. You were lying too? That's the only time I lied to you! .. And I fucked Karen in the ass.. I knew that you would go against me.. I knew that she was leaving.. that's why I gave her all that stuff
It made me look like I fucking masterminded the entire plan
(banging table): I stayed true to my fucking promises!!
I got you to the end Diane and I got you to the end Cowboy and that's all I care about anymore, fucking send me home on Thursday! I want to talk to my mom! and my sister and see what the name of her baby is!
Big Brother I hope you got that, you fucking sadistic assholes!!!
All for a fucking ratings boost! Thank you for casting the freak, you assholes!!
Thank you for letting me know I have a half brother on national television, you dicks!!
You fucked Cowboy's mother's life up, you've fucked my mother's life up, you've fucked my sister's life up.. everything we thought was normal you fucked up!!
Huge internet ratings - I hope you loved this! This is the first time in 6 or 7 years I've cried, I hope you loved it!
First time since my parents divorced that I've cried, I hope you love this!
I hope you like this for your fucking reality tv show cuz this is fucking real
And you can't air a fucking bit of it cuz I cussed the whole fucking way - thank you FCC!!
And now I'm crying on national television.. fuck! fuck! fuck!
Cowboy: Nothing wrong with crying
The snippets here are not the full story, but they were all said, shouted, or sobbed.. Nakomis spewed a lot during all this about the game and about her family, and much of it was contradictory.. I'm not even going into the various game statements cuz that isn't what it was about for me, and I'm not going into the family stuff cuz it ain't right
Was it real? Maybe we'll never know.. personally I think the words were a combination of fact, fiction, perception, frustration, and booze.. but I think the emotion was real
Kudos to Nakomis for showing us she's as ballsy as she's claimed, and for reminding us that being human can hurt
Whoa, back up
Lunch is normal enough, considering their circumstances, and that Cowboy holds the veto..
Drew makes mac 'n cheese again.. he's announcing his actions to himself in a normal voice now, not whispering:
"I'm gonna get some tuna with this"
Cowboy tells Drew he's having deja vu.. Nik asks him if he'll tell her if she's going and he responds that he will (sorry, no pics).. then he talks with Diane
Nik: Now that I have stuff I don't recognize, I want to be sure to get it all
Cowboy: I'm sorry I put you through that last night
Diane: Trust me
Cowboy: I'm sorry for being an ass if I was
Diane: I trust you
Cowboy: I'm gonna tell her, I have to tell her
Diane: Go ahead, tell her everything.. I'm ready
Cowboy: If I get cocky this week, or an ass, just tell me 'hey Cowboy you're being an ass'.. so I'm sorry
Diane: Apology accepted
Diane chops up veggies and olives (!) to mix into the hamburger meat "like Nik showed me".. and offers an apology of her own
Diane: I owe you an apology too, for things I said last night.. I said personal things when it was about the game
Drew: Apology accepted
(they rehash some of last night and talk some game)
Drew: The thing is, I'm not very good at lying
Diane: I am, at this point
Cowboy prepares for a haircut from Drew - Drew says he looks like Jesus, Diane says the Pope - afterward Diane teases Drew about his "Bible for Dummies"
Drew: I'm gonna start tearing you up in the diary room
Diane: I'm just kidding.. it's the color-coded Bible
Good ol' euchre.. booze comes out..
Diane's manic: she's squealing, and poking & pinching Drew; Nik's encouraging that and getting loud; Cowboy's doing bird calls and getting loud; Drew's alternately encouraging & discouraging Diane's play, making hock-a-loogie noises, and getting loud..
(watching this is like babysitting really icky children that you don't like)
Let's get everything out there
Nik & Diane sit in the nominee chairs and Nik begins a rehearsal of sorts - it's funny stuff, and also includes Julie speeches.. the boys join and everyone's laughing.. Cowboy shoots & scores with a dig at Drew.. (intentional or just tactless? who knows anymore)
Nik: This is how females always sit on the block: we're supposed to grasp each other and look like little rabid animals
Nik: First one of us gives a teary speech and sobs, and then the second one says 'ditto'
Nik: Then we have to be bawling and holding each other
Diane: I couldn't be blessed to be sitting next to anyone better than Nakomis right now!
Cowboy: I remember one veto, 'I have to be around for your cuddle partner'
Diane asks Nik a question, which leads to another, and another.. the girls then compare notes on a lot of people and incidents.. the boys meet in the bathroom where Cowboy says Diane's "got a little spunk in her" and maybe can't be completely trusted.. they rejoin the girls and Nik continues telling things about the game.. (some we know to be true, some we don't.. maybe she's lying & campaigning here, or maybe she's just going on mistaken beliefs).. and she's a little drunk
Diane: Just out of curiosity, why was yours the only pinky I touched?
Nik: Because they didn't trust you: you were getting in with Drew.. I could see beyond that in you, that there was a person there
Diane: You see? You see why she's the only person I trust? And look where we are now, sitting next to each other
Nik: One thing I didn't trust you for.. I won't say who, but somebody said something that you supposedly said, but it turned out you hadn't said it
Diane: Ok, I can leave happy now.. I didn't break any promises
Diane (to Cowboy): She is busting out stuff I had no idea! She knows everything!!
Diane (to Drew): You won't believe this: you & me were the twins' targets.. did you know that?!
Nik tells them all that even if it were her & Cowboy at the end, the twins, Marvin, and Karen would vote for Cowboy.. that Adria had told Karen that Nik & Cowboy knew each other before ever coming into the house.. that she'd been told that Jase told somebody that Cowboy had taken acting classes so he could do better in the game..
She tells Drew that (Scott and/or Jase?) came to her saying "We're all in this plan to get Cowboy to the end.. are you in with us?".. Nik told them a lot of stuff - I won't even attempt to report it all here
Diane: I can't wait to watch each show and see all this stuff we didn't know about!
Nik (to Diane): I wanted to tell you all this for weeks, but they all said 'No don't, she'll freak out!'
Nik: People told me 'Do you see what's happening with Diane & Drew?' I said 'Yea, they're starting a relationship on a reality show.. that's not an alliance, they don't kiss in public!'
Eventually Nik teases Drew about something.. Diane joins in for some flirtatious play and wrestling.. Drew mocks her.. Nik encourages them both.. (I don't know if the body language here means anything or if it's just play).. Diane sticks her hand down his pants as the convo continues
Nik: Kiss her! Kiss her!
Diane: Drew! Is that the way you're gonna treat me at home?!
Things take a turn when Nik starts talking about the DNA (DoNotAssume) thing, and her shock at finding out Cowboy is her brother: "What? Brother? Uhh.. Dad?? Condoms!!" to which Cowboy replies "Then I wouldn't be here.." They compare their backgrounds, childhoods.. talk about relatives and family stories they'd heard.. prenup agreements come up for some reason.. more stuff that we'll just let stay there..
Nik & Diane go out to start the barbecue - "we know how!" (see BBQ2 The Parannoyer).. Nakomis is feeling no pain and Diane is almost subdued by comparison.. til they get giddy together and start jumping up & down, squealing and screaming
Nik: Drew doesn't know shit.. I started trusting you.. if he didn't know shit then, he doesn't know shit now.. I proved Big Brother wrong.. they were like 'It's only week 2, you know you're not gonna end up with anyone from now'.. we're the only two from our alliance to make it!
(they say they'll hang out together afterward.. they're acting like best friends.. Diane promises Nik a 'good down payment, about $8000' for a house if she wins it all)
Little revelations are taking place all over, in a very short time
Drew: I don't want to look like I'm supporting you too much
Drew: Cowboy just came to me and said 'So it's you & Diane in the final two'
Diane: And you said no?
Drew: I said yes.. it came at me so fast
Nik tells Cowboy she's sure she has his vote if she gets to finals and he doesn't.. she says she broke a promise, she brings up Jase & Scott several times and that she promised them she'd take him to final two if she could, but that he'd win against her if that happened.. says she'd be fine with 2nd place..
She asks or he tells that he has a final two deal with Diane, that Drew would probably take Diane, Cowboy also says 'I can piss him off.. I can take you and not him.. (note Cowboy is reading the BB rule book at this time)
Diane comes out screaming and slamming the door.. then everyone's everywhere, in pairs of every combination.. it's mayhem
Diane (plopping angrily into a chair): Let's all go inside!
Drew (to Cowboy): I told her 'you're drunk and I'm just gonna walk away'
Cowboy: I told you from day one I don't like her attitude
Nik (singsong/manic/shouting): I'm your sister! You love me! You have to! Me & Cowboy to the end!
Nik: C'mon Diane, me & you to the end!
Nik: Me & you to the end, Cowboy!
Ok, now it gets ugly.. Nik carries the meat inside, brandishing it like a flag, holding it up high for the camera.. she pours some half & half onto it, and onto the stove
She starts chopping garlic with a very large knife - she's very drunk - so is Diane, but she's become remarkably quiet, likely stunned & a bit frightened.. Diane takes over knife duties (whew!).. Nik goes into the hall and asks "Are the cameras watching? Are they watching me??" She removes Cowboy's photo and grinds her hands on it..
Then she spits on it, hangs it back up, and geeks out - very deliberately - again, for the cameras, flipping them (us) off.. "Are you watching this??!!"
They eat in awkward silence, tense and uncomfortable.. then Nik's outside talking to Cowboy again, and that's where we came in.. you know what happens next
Afterward Nik went to diary room (finally), the rest of them scattered.. Cowboy paced & pestered.. Diane listened to music and seemed to fall asleep.. Drew told Cowboy "I hope she's asleep by the time I get in there".. later when he went in, he woke her up "Want to talk?" "Nuh-uh".. but of course they talked
They start by saying how it was hard to see Nakomis hurting that much, how it had hurt each of them.. but they soon turn to wondering if it had been faked, for the game, adding up the discrepancies and contradictions.. 'You know what? I should have called her out on that'.. at least they didn't have much of a smooch 'n stroke session
Meanwhile we discover Nik in the hammock, staring at the camera (at us).. she gets up and heads in to her bed, muttering that she'd had cigarettes.. smoking again..
I know I didn't get all the veto and finals facts, deals, promises and broken promises covered, and I don't care - there are lots of sites that cover all that - and it'll all be forgotten in no time.. but the rest of this night won't
Nakomis was gutsier than the rest of them put together for putting it all out there on the table, out loud, for the first time.. and she was gutsier still for losing it in front of an audience of four relative strangers who'd never be friends with her 'outside', let alone however many of us were watching.. despite her appearance, Nik's a very reserved girl, in case you haven't noticed
I don't fault the other three for their mostly-passive roles in this meltdown (although they certainly contributed to it happening) - but they're kids too, and in the same paranoid isolation that Nik is.. granted, they didn't have the isolation from the world at large that she did going in, but they aren't equipped with the tools to deal with this sort of outburst anyway.. Big Brother is, but they just stood idly by and let it continue.. 'good tv'
This isn't sports, where 'my team rules, your team sucks' regardless of the scores: these are people - very young ones - in a situation none of us can imagine without living it..
For the viewers who took glee in watching a 21-year-old kid going through this kind of agony, and who pointed fingers during and after about how fake it was, all strategy and emotional blackmail, etc. etc.. I hope they get a fucking clue about human emotion and compassion someday - before they or someone they love is in a situation with that much pain.. Ridiculing something like this is just cold and nasty.. if Nakomis did go in some directions, consciously or not, that will work to her advantage game-wise, more power to her
Off the soapbox now.. I hope Nakomis comes out of this ok - she deserves to
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